Challenges

Unless you enjoy rambling, you might want to stop reading right here. I am kinda wordy lately. I think it is because Joe has been gone so much that I have to type out all my words 'cause you can only talk on a two-year old level for so long before feeling a little crazy.

Speaking of two year olds, I am glad that there is at least one little person that enjoys it when I sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a moron. Her name is Maggie and she is mine. Today I am happy about that. Yesterday, not so much.

It is absolutely amazing how my attitude is reflected in her behavior. The last few weeks have been extra stressful as Joe has been recruiting for internships. For some reason it has been a lot worse than it sounds. He is out of town for the second weekend in a row. While he was out of town last weekend I got mastitis, Maggie got the flu (while I was at my sickest), then I got the flu (luckily Joe was back by then) but unluckily, I threw up my antibiotics which meant that mastitis came back. Poor little Jack's milk was seriously pussy (green I tell ya). Too much info probably, but hey, I was an ER nurse in my day and there is still a part of me that finds puss kinda cool. Anyway, all this sickness and stress turned me into a MONSTER. I was grumpy grumpy grumpy and Maggie was disobedient, mean, and generally unpleasant which made me more grumpy. Last night I finally felt well enough that I turned some old conference talks on my ipod and began cleaning our apartment which was a disaster after the last week of me laying on the couch and doing nothing. A couple good hours of cleaning coupled with (and more importantly) a little spiritual nourishment that I had been sorely needing, and I finally started to feel a real peace that I have not felt in a long time. Today I was feeling so much better, and like magic, Maggie was fun, playful, cute, and occasionally obedient.

Three passages from Lorenzo Snow in Chapter 7 of the Teachings of the Presidents of the Church were especially uplifting to me:

This one:

From the time of our receiving the Gospel to the present, the Lord has from time to time given us trials and afflictions, if we may so call them; and sometimes these trials have been of that nature that we have found it very difficult to receive them without murmur and complaint. Yet at such times the Lord blessed us and gave us sufficient of His Spirit to enable us to overcome the temptations and endure the trials. Every man and woman who serves the Lord, no matter how faithful they may be, have their dark hours; but if they have lived faithfully, light will burst upon them and relief will be furnished.

This one:

Many of you may have severe trials, that your faith may become more perfect, your confidence be increased, your knowledge of the powers of heaven be augmented; and this before your redemption takes place. If a stormy cloud sweep over the horizon … ; if the cup of bitter suffering be offered, and you compelled to partake; Satan let loose to go among you, with all his seductive powers of deceivings and cunning craftiness; the strong relentless arm of persecution lifted against you;—then, in that hour, lift up your heads and rejoice that you are accounted worthy to suffer thus with Jesus, the Saints, and holy prophets; and know that the period of your redemption has approached.

And this one:

We have every reason to rejoice and to be full of joy and satisfaction, notwithstanding the difficulties that surround us. And how far have we advanced, how much knowledge have we obtained and how much more are we able to bear now than one, two or five years ago, and are we able to stand more now than a few years ago? The Lord has strengthened us and increased us in our growth. Like the infant, when it grows up it knows not how it received gradual strength and the manner in which it increased in stature. It is larger this year than last. So in regard to our spiritual advancement. We feel stronger today than we did a year ago.

I was looking at things all wrong. I had this idea in my head that I have so many blessings that I have no right to complain or be sad. Period. I  felt like sadness or acknowledging my trials would be a lack of gratitude. As I talked with Joe (in his wisdom . . . oh so wise Baxter) he pointed out that we are supposed to count our blessings (which I thought I had been doing), not look at the sum of our blessings. What a slight but important distinction. My approach was this: I have a lot of blessings so I shouldn't notice my trials and I should be happy. A much better approach is to acknowledge that this or that might be challenging right now but I have this blessing + blessing + blessing + . . .  Somehow that second method makes all the difference. Maybe it is because in the second scenario I don't have to pretend like I never have any problems. My problems or trials are given to me to help me grow, and I shouldn't compare my trials to others even if my intent is to minimize my own. My trials are hard because they are mine and that is okay. And I have a lot of blessings too. And that is awesome.

I just saw this beautiful picture for the first time. If anyone knows who the artist is, I would love to know.